Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
New skill unlocked
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
