Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
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You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all