you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
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Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Kids….because who doesn’t enjoy a fun game of “What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single