Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.