Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
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SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet