Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what