can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
You Might Also Like
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Just organising my finances.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.