can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
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The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.