can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
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The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*