can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
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I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Just had my nails done!
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
23. the denim jacket
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”