can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
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Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
Gross if literal…Liverpool
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Is fructose made with real fruct?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
