can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.