can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Would you wear it?
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.