Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?