Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
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“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Banana is the quietest snack
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
.. do you even science?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
why count sheep when I can count my troubles