Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
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then why did i get this email
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there