Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
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i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.