Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
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Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.