Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
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*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?