Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
You Might Also Like
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.