can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
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Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
🐟✨ #re4
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me