Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺