“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*