“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
You Might Also Like
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
marvel comics have peaked
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.