“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
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me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something