Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

❤️❤️❤️

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Blocked: 1985

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

I want what they have

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry