Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her