Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

time for some seasonal decor

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler