Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

*files a restraining order against reality*

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now