Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

next question.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job