Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
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I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.