Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
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Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Watson was Holmes schooled
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to