Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
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[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
watching gymnastics
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art