Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
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I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue