Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
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imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Love this guy
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
British people
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job