Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
LMAO.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
rise and shine we got egg
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.