Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.