Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us