Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
That’s enough internet for the day
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”