Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.