“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
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“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it