Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”