Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Probably my best painting.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??