Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk