“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
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*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Sorted
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!