Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
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*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
my dad has had enough
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*