Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
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therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Oh. My. God.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.