The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
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me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Oh, I bet you would be
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”