The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
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Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn