Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
That earthquake could have been an email.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.