Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying