Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.