@KKAlThani

Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.

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@CandyEmpires

Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.

@TheBoydP

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

@InternetHippo

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

@GamerPres2020

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

@poutycorpse

Me, as that guy from the Martian…

Day 1: I have enough food for 52 days

Day 2: I have enough food for 9 days

@RobinMcCauley

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

@trevso_electric

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

@BobbyBigWheel

Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting

@Jeffwni

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

@Donna_McCoy

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.