Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.
Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.
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Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Me, as that guy from the Martian…
Day 1: I have enough food for 52 days
Day 2: I have enough food for 9 days
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.