Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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FRED: right
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
huge if true: the moon
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
How do you like your Corgi?
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Generation gap…