Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

If you breakdance you buy dance.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh