Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
The symmetry is uncanny.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.