Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
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Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.