Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs