Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.