Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
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Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?