Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
You Might Also Like
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
this is how life feels
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
rest in peas
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.