Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

Before & after 😅

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

ugh not again

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.