“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
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What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.