“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
oh you wanna fight?!
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan