Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

get you a girl who

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway