Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

Multitask? I can barely unitask

Okay this one takes it home

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”