Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.