Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes