Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

all that yoga finally paid off

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone