Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]