Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”