Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
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This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.