Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy