Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
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Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops