Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
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1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
bought wrong eggs
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*