Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Follow me for more life hacks.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”