Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
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Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
scenes of unspeakable carnage
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
