“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
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God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.