“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”![]()
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Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I beg your pardon?
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Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi