“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
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cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
When life hands you women, make women laid.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”