I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
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There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Breaking news:
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!