@itsallbollocks

can whoever turned off the bermuda triangle please turn it back on again thanks

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@iwearaonesie

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

@yaboydil

Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

@WitchyDruss

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

@RtrJan

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

@Jennabear32819

A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

@JohnLyonTweets

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

@bombscribe

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

@milkin_hunnies

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”