Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
can whoever turned off the bermuda triangle please turn it back on again thanks
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Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.
*weighs self after shaving
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”