Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

me when the borders lift

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

this is the greatest thing ever

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

The devil.

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless